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The Great Chicken Case 

A Mock Trial 



By 
ALLAN BURNS 



BOSTON 

WALTER H. BAKER & CO. 

1915 



The Great Chicken Case 

CHARACTERS ^ -wlq^* 



.^^^^ 



Judge Hiram Hayseede. 

Clerk of Court, John Simpson. 

Counsel for Plaintiff, I. Will Soakem, Esq. 

Counsel for Defense, Sumner Webster Wyndye, Esq. 

Witnesses for Plaintiff : 

Mrs. I. M. A. Scribbler. 

Mrs. Rev. R. U. Penitent. 

Mr. G. W. T. J. J. G. A. A. L. Johnson. 
Witnesses for Defense : 

Prof. Solomon Aristotle Puffer. 

Mrs. John Jones. 

Mr. I. B. Sweeney. 
The Defendant, Henry Henpeck. 
Sheriff Hezekiah Henderson. 
The Jury : 

Jesse James, 

( Use the real names of the other eleven ladies and gentlemen 
constituting this body, or the names of public characters 
of present fame or notoriety. ) 

NOTES 

Costumes at the discretion of performers. 
Local names and places should be used. 
Time of playing : about one hour and forty-five minutes. 
Stage should be arranged to resemble court-room. 
Clerk and counsel should stand when addressing the court, 
reading oaths, examining witnesses, etc. 




Copyright, 191 5, by Walter H. Baker & Co. 

/ 

FEB 18 1915 

©CI.D 39721 
%0i 



IMPORTANT 



The author of ** The Great 
Chicken Case'' will coach this 
play for any organization or 
club, within an hour's ride from 
Boston. For rates apply to 
George D. Burns, 246 Devon- 
shire St., Boston, Mass. J' ^ 



The Great Chicken Case 



SCENE. A court-roomy arranged to suit circumstances. All 

characters are in their places, except the Judge, the De- 
fendant, the Jurors, and the Witnesses, who are seated 
among the audience. Enter Judge Hiram Ha'yseede. All 
stand until he is seated, when they also sit. 

Clerk of Court, John Simpson. Oi, oi, oi, oi, oi. This 
dishonorable court is now in session. 

Judge. The Clerk will proceed with the reading of the 

docket. T, TT 

Clerk. Case 99,999. Commonwealth vs. Rev. R. U. 
Penitent. Defendant charged with disturbing the peace by 
loud and turbulent words on various Sunday mornings. 
Charge preferred by Mulligan Guards Baseball Club. 

Judge. Who appears for the government in this case? 

Sumner Websteu Wyndye. I do, your Honor. 

Judge. Who for the defendant? 

I. Will Soakem. I do, your Honor. 

Judge. Have either of you any objection to proceeding at 
once to trial ? 

SOAKEM. Your Honor, in order to save the time of the 
precious Court, — I should say in order to save the precious 
time of the Court, and in view of the previous good character 
of the defendant, and in consideration of his promise never 
again to say anything that will wake up Deacon Sleeper from 
h?s Sunday morning nap, I move that the case be put on file 
and the defendant put on prohibition — I mean probation. 

Judge. Has the Counsellor for the government any objec- 
tion? 

Wyndye. Your Honor, personally I prefer a high license 

law to absolute prohibition 

SoAKEM. Your Honor, I said probation, not prohibition. 

Wyndye. No objection then, your Honor. 

Judge. Case placed on file; defendant on probation. 
Next case. 



6 THE GREAT CHICKEN CASE 

Clerk. Case 99,999>^. I. W. Soakem vs. S. W. Wynde. 

Alienation of affections. Charged that on the occasion of an 
oyster supper held in Pumpkin Corners Grange Hall, July^th 
last, aforesaid Wyndye's marathon eloquence nearly caused a 
rupture between the pleasant relations existing between the 
aforesaid Soakem and his temper. Soakem thought Wyndye 
was never going to get through and give him a chance to speak. 

Judge. Who represents the complainant? 

Soakem. I represent myself, your Honor, 

Wyndye. Good imitation. 

Clerk. Order in the court. 

Soakem. And I want to say right now that of all the mean, 
underhanded, reprehensible 

Judge. We will hear you later, Mr. Soakem. Counsel for 
the defendant ? 

Wyndye. I appear in my own behalf, your Honor ; and in 
view of the exhibition just given us by the plaintiff, I move 
that the indictment be quashed, on the ground that the com- 
plainant never had a temper to lose. 

Judge. Indictment quashed. Next case. 

Clerk. Case 99,999)4 a. Pumpkin Corners Union Meet- 
ing House Society vs. John Shovellor, janitor. Charged that 
on the first, second, and third Sundays in January, three years 
ago, the defendant let the fire escape by the new fire escape, 
thereby making it necessary to hold church in the vestry and 
Sunday-school in the kitchen. 

Judge. Who appears for the plaintiff? 

Wyndye. Your Honor, I have the honor. 

Judge. For the defendant? (^No ansiver.) Where is the 
defendant? 

Sheriff Hezekiah Henderson. Skipped his bail, your 
Honor. 

Judge. Nobody home, eh? Case postponed to Janu- 
ary 33d. Next. 

Clerk. Case 100,000. Ladies' Aid Society of Pumpkin 
Corners vs. Henry Henpeck. Charged with the larceny of 
one chicken on the evening of January 26th. 

Judge. Who appears for the ladies ? 

Soakem. I do, your Honor. 

Judge. For the defendant ? 

Wyndye. I, your Honor. 

Judge. Any objection to proceeding to trial? (^Counsel 
shake heads.') The sheriff will produce the prisoner. (Sheriff 



THE GREAT CHICKEN CASE 7 

searches the audience for some time ; finally discovers the 
defendant on a rear seat. Places him in the '^ cage.'') The 
Clerk will read the panel of jurors for the case. If either coun- 
sel desires to challenge a juror, he may do so as the list is 
read. No time will be given for examination of the jurors. 

(Clerk calls three names, the last beifig that of a colored man.) 

Wyndye. Your Honor, I object. No colored man should 
be allowed to serve on the jury in a chicken case. 

Judge. Can {the colored man). Read on. 

Clerk. Jesse James, Julius Caesar. 

SoAKEM. Your Honor, I object to this Caesar person. He 
is an Eye-talian, and the president of the Pick and Shovel 
Trust. 

Judge. Pass Caesar. Proceed. 

(Clerk calls names of three men and one woman — a suffra- 
gette.) 

Wyndye. Your Honor, I object to a suffragette serving on 

this jury. I object, sir, I ob 

Judge. No gentleman should object to a lady. Mrs. 
{name a suffragette) will pour — I should say serve. 



Go on. (Clerk calls names of five woinen.) The list as read 
by the Clerk, with the exception of J. Caesar and {col- 
ored man), will stand. The jurors will please occupy the seats 
at my left. On account of his familiarity with court, I will des- 
ignate Jesse James as foreman of the jury. 

{The Jurors are seated.) 

Jesse James. Your Honor, I object to the way in which 
the jurors are seated. I think every fellow ought to have a 
girl to sit beside. 

Judge. Will the gentleman designate the lady he wants to 
sit beside ? 

James. The one in the green waist. 

Judge. Will the lady in the green waist occupy the seat 
beside the foreman of the jury? And remember, no holding 
hands, now. This is a serious affair. The Clerk will now 
swear at — I mean swear in, the jurors. 

Clerk. You will please stand, raise your right hand, and 
repeat after me. {Jurors stand, one on a chair, raise hands, 
some right, some left, some both, and repeat oath with varia- 
tions.) You do sullenly swear — to the worst of your ability — 



8 THE GREAT CHICKEN CASE 

to judge unfairly and partially — all evidence— pro and con- 
whatever that means — in all cases — or other packages — jjre- 
sented to this court. — So help you — Ananias and Sapphira ! 

Judge. The jurors may be seated. The Clerk will read 
the indictment in this case. The prisoner will stand and raise 
his right hand as the indictment is read. 

Clerk. Henry Henpeck, the state of Matrimony, upon the 
complaint of the plaintiff, the Ladies' Aid Society of the town 
of Pumpkin Corners in the aforesaid state, alleges, charges, 
and claims that upon the evening of the 26th day of January, 
in the year of our Lord 1915, you did wilfully, feloniously, and 
with malice aforethought, make away with, take, steal, and ob- 
tain possession of, illegally, unlawfully, and feloniously, a 
chicken named Daisy White, said chicken being at the afore- 
said time legally, lawfully, and rightfully in the possession 
and custody of one Ahasuerus Smith, and said chicken Daisy 
being then, there, and therefore fattened with the intention of 
its being killed, massacred, quartered, drawn, cooked, boiled, 
roasted, fried, fricasseed, broiled, croquetted, hashed, or other- 
wise prepared for consumption at the Ladies' Aid Society 
supper on the evening of the 31st day of the aforesaid month 
of the aforesaid year; and with this heinous, horrible and 
hideous crime you are charged in three counts, to wit : — 

First : On the aforesaid evening of the aforesaid day of the 
aforesaid month of the aforesaid year you did abscond, take, 
steal, and elope with the aforesaid chicken Daisy from the 
aforesaid henyard of the aforesaid Smith, by means of putting 
the aforesaid Daisy into a burlap bag of no value, and therewith 
illegally and feloniously removing the aforesaid burlap bag, 
chicken, no value, and all, from the premises of the aforesaid 
Smith. 

Second : On the aforesaid evening of the aforesaid day of 
the aforesaid month of the aforesaid year, you did lure away 
the aforesaid chicken Daisy from the aforesaid Smith by vari- 
ous illegal, unlawful, and felonious means ; to wit, by whistling, 
singing, playing a Jew's harp, and otherwise making presuma- 
bly musical noises of an enticing nature. 

Third : On the aforesaid of the aforesaid of the aforesaid of 
the aforesaid, you did choke, throttle, grip, grasp, clutch, and 
otherwise manhandle the aforesaid chicken Daisy, with the in- 
tention of thereby depriving it of life, which intention you did 
with force and violence carry out, whereby the aforesaid Daisy 
perished, expired, gave up the ghost, and died. 



THE GREAT CHICKEN CASE 9 

What do you say to these charges : are you guilty or not 
guilty? 

Henry Henpeck. Not guilty. 

Judge. The prisoner may be seated. To save time, the 
witnesses will all be sworn in at once. Will the counsel for the 
plaintiff read a list of his witnesses ? 

SoAKEM. Your Honor, I shall call on the following : Mrs. 
I. M. A. Scribbler, Mrs. Rev. R. U. Penitent, Mr. G. W. T. 
J. J. Q. A. A. L. Johnson. 

Judge. Will the counsel for the defense present his list of 
witnesses .? 

Wyndye. Your Honor, I shall call on the following : Prof. 
Solomon Aristotle Puffer, Mrs. John Jones, Mr. I. B. Sweeney. 

Judge. Will the witnesses please stand in a row before the 
clerk of court, and be sworn at ? 

( Witnesses rise and repeat the oath with any desired varia- 
tions. ) 

Ci-erk. Raise your right hand and repeat after me. You 
do sullenly swear — without profanity — to tell the truth — once 
in a while — to tell the whole truth — sometimes — and to tell 
nothing but the truth — when you can't get out of it.— So help 
you . ( Give the name of a local daily paper.') 

Judge. The witnesses may be seated. The first witness for 
the prosecution may take the stand. 

SoAKEM. Mrs. Scribbler. {She takes the stand.') What is 
your name ? 

Mrs. I. M. A. Scribbler. Mrs. I. M. A. Scribbler. 

SoAKEM. Your name when full ? 

Mrs. S. Sir ? 

SoAKEM. I mean your name in full, your whole name, all 
of it. 

Mrs. S. Oh. Ivernia Mauretania Augusta Scribbler. 

SoAKEM. What is your occupation ? 

Mrs. S. Oh, washing, and ironing, and baking, and sweep- 
ing, and sewing, and playing the piano, and dusting, and, oh, 
yes, keeping my husband good-natured. 

SoAKEM. Is that all you do ? 

Mrs. S. All ? Goodness, no. I belong to the Woman's 
Club, and the Suffrage League, and the Daughters of Rebekah, 
and I'm a member of the Union Qi\^^ Club, and the Pump- 
kin Corners PLindel and Haydn Society. Then I'm president 



10 THE GREAT CHICKEN CASE 

of the Missionary Society, and treasurer of the Sunday-school, 
and secretary of the Ladies' Aid Society. 

SoAKEM. In the records of the latter society, have you any 
information relative to this case ? 

Mrs. S. Oh, yes, lots. Here's one. " October 26, 1914. 
Meeting called to order with President Mrs. Pinfeather in the 
chair." She had on her new purple bombazine, cut on the 
bias, with twenty-five gored skirt slit to the instep, and a piping 
of green velveteen around the neck. She wore her last year's 
blue toque, with a maroon and magenta willow plume, and 

Wyndye. Your Honor, I object to this line of testimony. 
This is a hen case, not a millinery opening. 

Judge. The witness will please confine herself to reading 
her records. 

Mrs. S. Very well. **It was voted that the Ladies' Aid 
Society hold a Leap Year party, even if it wasn't Leap Year, 
to encourage the habit of matrimony among the young people 
of Pumpkin Corners." Not that we want to have any one per- 
son get the habit the way Nat Goodwin has it, but Oh, 

all right, you needn't get up, Sura Wyndye, I'll go back to the 
reading. *' It was voted that a Chicken Pie Supper be held on 
the evening of January 31st." This was on motion of Mrs. 
Askam, who said she wanted to go around soliciting, so she 
could find out whether Mrs. Smith had her new Rembrandt 
chromo yet that she was going to get with two thousand 
premium tags from her husband's packages of Hemprope's 
Smoking and Chewing Gum, and — — 

SoAKEM. Will you continue with the records, Mrs. 
Scribbler ? 

Mrs. S. Oh, very well. *'0n account of the low quality 
and high price of market chickens, it was voted that the chicken 
to be used for this supper be raised in the henyard and under 
the direction of Mr. A. Smith, and that a committee consisting 
of Miss Mehitabel Lee, Miss Lavinia Freedom, Miss Marion 
Mann, Miss Iva Lott, and Miss Amanda Spink be instructed to 
watch carefully the process of fattening the chickens and report 
after each visit as to the attention they received." That meant 
the chickens, of course, not the committee. 

SoAKEM. Did the committee ever report? 

Mrs. S. Yes. On January 26th they visited the henyard 
and Mr. Smith, and reported that Mr. Smith certainly knew 
how to give chickens a good time. They especially mentioned 
one cute little broiler which they called Daisy White. They 



THE GREAT CHICKEN CASE II 

took a picture of her with the camera which Mr. Smith gave to 
the chairwoman of the committee last Christmas. 

SoAKEM. Would you recognize the photograph if you 
saw it ? 

Mrs. S. I certainly would, because I thought at the 
time 



SoAKEM. Is this it? {Hands out picture.') 

Mrs. S. May I see it near to? I left my glasses at home, 
and I can't see anything without them. Why, last week I was 
going by Polly Wiggins' house, and I saw that Billy Bowlegs 
sitting on her front piazza with her, and I called out, '* Hello, 
Billy," and come to find out, it wasn't Billy at all: it was that 
soda water clerk down at Hill's drug store. {Takes photo.) 
Yes, this is Daisy all right. She holds her head off on one 
side, just like Jennie Jenkins when she looks at Sammie Smiles ; 
and she stands on one leg, sort of embarrassed, like Sam when 
he sees Jennie looking at him. That's Daisy. 

SoAKEM. I'm through with the witness, your Honor. 

Judge. Does the counsel for the defense wish to cross-ex- 
amine ? 

Wyndye. I do, your Honor. — I wish to remind the witness 
that she is on oath. Now, Mrs. Scribbler, do you know 
whether this Daisy White was really a tender, sweet young 
thing blooming with grace and beauty or a dilapidated antiquity 
of an old hen ? 

Mrs. S. Why, I've been told 

Wyndye. Do you know, of your own personal observation 
and experience? 

Mrs. S. Well, Mrs. Georgianna Jerusha Jimpson said 

Wyndye. Did you ever see this Daisy yourself? 

Mrs. S. No, but I don't see 

Wyndye. That's all, your Honor. 

Judge. The witness is dismissed. Second witness for the 
prosecution. 

Soakem. Mrs. Rev. R. U. Penitent will take the stand. 
{She does so. She is wearing a hat triimned with two very 
long black quills.) Your name? 

Mrs. Rev. R. U. Penitent. Well, my real name is Irene 
Sylvie Marie Penitent, but if you wanted a letter to reach me, 
I'd advise you to address it to Mrs. R. U. Penitent. You 
know up at the post-office it's only our husbands that count. 
We can't vote yet, you see. But you just wait till we get the 
vote. 



12 THE GREAT CHICKEN CASE 

SOAKEM. What is your occupation ? 

Mrs. p. Oh, I suppose most folks would say, " She's ^ust 
the minister's wife." 

SoAKEM, What are the duties of this position ? 

Mrs. p. Why, most people think I write my husband's ser- 
mons and attend to his correspondence and make his pastoral 
calls for him while he goes fishing ; but really I try to let him 
do all he can himself. Of course I do the housework and 
act as organist at the church, and do lots of little things like 
that. 

SoAKEM. Do you know the prisoner ? 

Mrs. p. Now, Mr. Soakem, I don't see any sense in a ques- 
tion like that. If you don't know that every one in town 
knows Mr. Henpeck you'd better get some glasses and try to 
see what's going on. 

Soakem. Will you tell us what occurred, to your knowledge, 
that concerns the defendant, on Saturday night, January 27th? 

Mrs. p. I don't know what business it is of yours, but I'll 
tell you. I was just turning down the lamp in the kitchen after 
doing the supper dishes when I heard somebody knock at the 
back door. Of course it was pretty dark, and I'm a timid 
woman, and Mr. P. was hiding under the supper table, but I 
went to the door. There was Mr. Henpeck, with a big burlap 
bag in his hand and a ten inch smile on his face. He said 
he'd brought the minister his Sunday dinner, and gave me the 
burlap bag. He wouldn't come in; said he was in a hurry. 
Of course I opened the bag just as soon as the door closed be- 
hind him. I should have died if he'd stood there talking much 
longer and never telling me v/hat was in that big bag. Well, 
it was a chicken, I guess; anyway, it wasn't plucked, so I 
started in to fix it. I plucked it. I pin-feathered it. I singed 
it. I cleaned it. I washed it. In fact, I did all the things 
one has to do to a freshly picked chicken. When I got 
through, I looked at the clock, and it said one minute to 
twelve. My, but I was glad that clock was half an hour slow. 
If it hadn't been, I'd have been breaking the Sabbath as sure 
as you're alive. We had the chicken for dinner the next day. 

Soakem. That's all, your Honor. 

Judge. Does the defense wish to cross-examine? 

VVyndye. Yes, your Honor. Mrs. Penitent, look me in 
the eye. The right eye, please; the left one is a trifle 
near-sighted. Now, answer me carefully. Was the chicken 
tender ? 



THE GREAT CHICKEN CASE 1 3 

Mrs. p. Was the chicken tender ? Perhaps it was — once 
— but that must have been lo, these many years, before it went 
into my oven. Mr. Penitent said it must have been an aero- 
plane chicken. 

Wyndye. An aeroplane chicken ? What kind of a chicken 
is that, pray ? 

Mrs. p. Why, one that's all wings and machinery, and no 
meat. 

Wyndye. No meat ? Why, I've heard of aeroplane meets. 
They're apt to come high, I understand. Do you mean this 
chicken was tough ? 

Mrs. p. Yes. 1 think it must have been a Plymouth Rock. 
We finally got it carved. Mr. Penitent took it out to the 
wood-pile and broke his new axe on it. Then we ran it through 
the Universal Chopper, that is, most of it. The chopper broke 
before we got it all ground up. We ate some of it; the 
chicken, that is. 

Wyndye. You say you plucked this bird. Did you save 
any of the feathers ? 

Mrs. p. Well, you know I have to plan pretty closely. A 
minister's salary isn't as big as Pierpont Morgan's. I saved 
two feathers. 

Wyndye. By any chance have you one of these feathers 
with you? 

Mrs. p. {poi?iting to quills in hat). Can't you see them? 

Wyndye. Your Honor, I ask that one of these feathers be 
presented to the Court as Exhibit B. 

Judge. If the witness has no objection ? 

Mrs. p. Well, here's the feather, but I want you to dis- 
tinctly understand, Mr. Judge, that I've got to get it back. 

Judge. The witness is dismissed. Next witness. 

SoAKEM. Mr. Johnson. (^Ife takes the stand.) Your name, 
sir? 

Mr. Johnson. M-m-m-my n-n-n-name is G-G-G-George 
W-W-W-Washington Thomas J-J-J-Jefferson John Quincy 
Adams Abraham L-L-L-Lincoln J- J- J- Johnson. 

SoAKEM. AVill you tell the jury the story of the events of 
the evening of January 26th, as you remember them ? 

Johnson. Y-y-y-yes, sir. B-b-b-but you may have 
n-n-n-noticed that I have a slight imp-p-p-pediment in my 
sp-p-p-peech, but I could s-s-s-s — I could s-s-s-sing it for you. 

Judge. Better singing than selzer. Officer, bring me a 
towel ; and an umbrella, too. Sing it, man, sing it. 



14 THE GREAT CHICKEN CASE 

(Johnson sings the following, to the music of the •once 
popular song, ^^Daf s de Way to Spell Chicken,^ sent, 
post-paid, on receipt of 2^ cents J) 



SONG 

In a Pumpkin Corners hencoop 

In the stillness of the night, 
Sat a thoroughbred young chicken 

By the name of Daisy White ; 
And as she sat there spooning 

With a rooster young and spry, 
No dreams had she of fricassee 

Or of chicken stew or pie. 
Just then there came to her domain 

A chicken thief quite fat; 
He grabbed her by her rubber neck, 

Put her in a bag, like that. 
Then he ran across the avenue, 

With a bulldog at his heels. 
He ran so fast, believe me, Judge, 

He passed ten automobiles- 



CHORUS 

C — that's the way to begin ; 

H — that's the next letter in ; 

I — that am the third ; 

C — that's two C's on the bird; 

K— that's the fillin' in ; 

E — I's a-nearin' de en' ; 

C-H-I-C-K-E-N; 

That's de man stole de chicken. 

Upon the evening mentioned, 

I was going through the park 
To a fancy hen convention 

To be held just after dark ; 
But as I walked on slowly, 

I met that man right there. 
Says he, «* I've got some chickens, 

And there's just one I can spare. 



THE GREAT CHICKEN CASE I5 

And as you are a friend of mine, 

I'll sell it to you cheap." 
I passed him out a dollar bill ; 

The memory makes me weep. 
For when I took that chicken out 

She looked so young and fair, 
That to eat a bird like Daisy White, 

I simply couldn't bear. 

So, your Honor and the Jury, 

1 gave him back his bird. 
For I simply couldn't eat her, 

For the reason you have heard. 
But, Judge, I don't dare tell you 

The cruel words he said. 
When I handed back that chicken, 

And took my bill instead. 
So I think with me you will agree 

That he is guilty quite ; 
Just gaze upon that mug of his. 

Then think of Daisy White, 
Who in her innocence and youth 

Was stolen from her coop — 
It almost brings tears to my eyes 

When I think she's in the soup. 



Judge. Well, Mr. Wyndye, do you want to examine this 
human soda fountain ? 

Wyndye. No, your Honor, I'm not partial to death by 
drowning. 

Judge. Then the witness may step down. Any further 
witnesses for the aid of the Ladies' Aid Society ? 

SoAKEM. Your Honor, after the uncomplimentary, unparlia- 
mentary, and unsatisfactory things that have been said about 
my last witness, I scorn to introduce any more innocent indi- 
viduals to be badgered and insulted by the counsel for the 
defense. 

Judge. Very well. The defense will introduce its evidence. 

Wyndye. Your Honor, the first gentleman I shall call to 
the stand is well known to fame and on speaking terms with 
honesty and truthfulness, a thing I wish I could believe of the 
witnesses for the prosecution. Professor Puffer will take the 



l6 THE GREAT CHICKEN CASE 

Stand. (Prof. Solomon Aristotle Puffer carries with him 
a very large book done up in brown paper.') What is yeur full 
name, sir? 

Puffer. Solomon Aristotle Puffer. 

Wyndye. Your occupation ? 

Puffer. I am president demeritus, dean of the granulated 
school, and professor of chickenism, roosterology, and henistics 
at Puffer's Academy, Pufferville Avenue, Puffertown, Me. 

Wyndye. Well, Professor Puffer, do you know anything 
about hens ? 

Puffer. Sir, I know everything about hens. 

Wyndye. Did you ever write anything about hens? 

Puffer. Yes. I am the author, editor, publisher, printer, 
and sole agent of the volume entitled *' The Complete Hen : a 
Compendium of Useless Misinformation about China Eggs, 
Incubators, and Sewing Circles." This retails at ^99.00 per 
volume, but on account of your being in a literary business, so 
to speak, I can let you have it for a nickel down and two two- 
cent stamps until paid for. The odd cent, of course, comes to 
me, and will be devoted to charity. I shall buy a cud of gum 
with it. Charity, you know, begins at home. I shall also in- 
clude in this offer a five-year subscription to the Pumpkin 
Corners "Who's Who, Where, When, and Why," a monthly 
magazine published weekly and giving every day a sketch of 
some prominent citizen and his tastes in literature, art, and 
scandal. I also 

SoAKEM. Your Honor, may the witness talk on the subject ? 

Judge. The counsel for the defense will please state what 
he hopes to prove by this line of testimony. 

Wyndye. I desire to prove that the Ladies' Aid Society 
don't know a chicken from a lobster. 

SoAKEM. May I ask whom the gentleman is calling a lobster ? 

Wyndye. Well, the gentleman is certainly no spring chicken. 

Judge. If this dispute does not cease at once, 1 shall ad- 
journ the court and act as referee out in back of the court-house. 
The examination of the witness may proceed. 

Wyndye. What kind of food do you recommend, Professor, 
to make hens lay? 

Puffer. Why, er — layer cake, sir. 

Wyndye. Why are hen's eggs more popular than duck's 
eggs? 

Puffer. Hens advertise more. People don't take them for 
quacks, either. 



THE GREAT CHICKEN CASE 1 7 

Wyndye. Do you mean they're advertising when they 
sneak around with a secretive, anxious expression, as though 
they were hatching a plot ? 

Puffer. Yes. In reality, you know, they're plotting a 
hatch. 

Wyndye. Well, Professor, do you know the difference be- 
tween a chicken and a rooster ? 

Puffer. Yes ; about ten cents a pound. 

Wyndye. Did you treat of this subject in the book you have 
mentioned ? 

Puffer. Yes. One chapter is entitled, ''When is it that 
a chicken is? " 

Wyndye. Will you read it to us ? 

Puffer. Certainly. (^Opens bujidle, produces booky and 
reads.) Shall I begin with the introduction ? 

Judge. Have mercy. Just read about chickens. 

Puffer. Very well. ** There are many questions aroused 
by the apparently innocent query : when is a chicken ? First : 
Is a chicken a chicken when in the soup? To this we say No. 
He is more often veal or Camel's Extract of Feathers. Sec- 
ondly : Is a chicken a chicken when in the market ? Decidedly 
yes. So is a rooster so old that his hair is turning gray and his 
teeth falling out, and he has to walk with a cane. Finally : Is 
an egg a chicken ? This puzzles us. If so, poached egg is 
identical with chicken stew, and a chicken thrown from the top 
of Bunker Hill monument would be a dropped egg. 

"In my opinion the difference between eggs and chickens 
lies in their crust. A chicken is generally crustier than an egg. 
Eggs can with difficulty be persuaded to come out of their 
shells. They are the violets of poultry ; shy and retiring by 
nature. On the other hand, chickens often have crust enough 
to invade all the neighbors' flower gardens and scratch up all 
the beautiful sunflowers and water lilies growing there. Eggs 
are not so crusty as this. To be sure, eggs sometimes meet 
unpopular politicians face to face without an introduction. This 
is nothing against the eggs, though. It is something against 
the politician. It is apt to result in his being in bad odor, both 
literally and figuratively. These arguments seem to prove con- 
clusively that eggs and chickens are not identical. 

'' Next comes the absorbing problem of when a chicken ceases 
to be a chicken and becomes a hen or a rooster. This is easy. 
A hen is a fowl. A foul is a baseball term. A term is a season. 
A baseball season is about five months. Therefore : a chicken 



l8 THE GREAT CHICKEN CASE 

becomes a hen when it is five months old. — A rooster is one 
who roosts. A chicken roosts as soon as it can find a place to 
roost upon. This is generally when it is about one month old. 
Tiiis is where a chicken rooster gets four months' start of a she 
chicken. This proves that women should not be allowed to 
vote. 

*' There are other differences between hens and chickens. A 
hen has a larger bill than a chicken. But a grocer always sends 
a larger bill with a chicken than with a hen. This shows the 
perversity of grocers. 

*' Here are a few tests to show whether a chicken is an egg, 
a hen, or a rooster. If you can use the chicken for a drink, it 
is an egg. If you can use it for a feather duster, it is a hen. 
If you can use it for a spark plug, it is a rooster. Otherwise it 
may be a chicken. 

''This is when it is that a chicken is." 

Wyndye. In your opinion. Professor, is this feather (£x- 
hibit B?) from an egg, a chicken, a hen, or a rooster? 

Puffer. From a turkey buzzard, I should say. 

Wyndye. Not from a chicken ? 

Puffer. More likely from an old hen. 

Mrs. p. (nis/iing forward'). Do you know who you're 
calHng an old hen ? I'd have you know, Solly Puffer, that I'm 
not 

Judge. I shall have to ask the lady to settle her dispute with 
the professor outside of court. Do you wish to ask more ques- 
tions ? 

Wyndye. No more, your Honor. 

SoAKEM. I have a few questions, Mr. Puffpuff 

Puffer. Puffer, sir ; Professor Puffer. 

SoAKEM. Very well, Mr. Bluffer, then. You say you know 
all about hens. How many eggs are there in a dozen ? 

Puffer. Five good ones, five doubtful ones, and two bad 
ones. 

SoAKEM. Suppose you sold such a dozen eggs to Mr. Wyndye 
and he brought them back, what would you do about the bad 
eggs? 

Puffer. Make them good to him, of course. 

SoAKEM. You say your book on hens is authoritative. Who 
has bought it so far ? 

Puffer. No one, so far. 

(SoAKEM sits down.) 



THE GREAT CHICKEN CASE I9 

Judge. The witness is dismissed. Next witness for the 
defense ? 

Wyndye. Mrs. John Jones will take the stand. {She does 
so.) Your name? 

Mrs. John Jones. Jemima Jerusha Judith Jackson Jones. 

Wyndye. Occupation ? 

Mrs. J. Minding the baby and chaperoning my unmarried 
sister and Ahasuerus Smith. 

Wyndye. The fellow that they say raised the hens ? 

Mrs. J. The same. 

Wyndye. I take it, then, that you are familiar with the 
vicinity of Mr. Smith's chicken-yard ? 

Mrs. J. Fairly so. 

Wyndye. Will you tell us what you saw there the evening 
of January 26th? 

Mrs. J. May I read from my diary ? I put it down the 
same night before I went to bed. 

Wyndye. If the Court has no objection ? 

Judge. No; I've always wondered what a woman's diary 
really was like. 

Mrs. J. January 26. 11 o'clock. Temperature, 5 above o. 
Wind northeast. Went to meeting to-night. Such exciting 
experiences. I don't mean in the meeting. After it. Several 
of the girls saw Ahasuerus Smith home, and I went along as 
chaperon. I waited for them in the road while they took leave 
of Hazzie, as they call him, in the shade of the pumpkin vine 
that is draped over the front piazza. Well, what did I see but 
a dark form crouching along by the stone wall. It came nearer, 
I could see two eyes gleaming fiendishly in the darkness. It 
came still nearer. I could hear the low, hushed, hoarse breath- 
ing of the creature as he stealthily approached. Still nearer 
and nearer. It passed. I almost shrieked aloud as I recog- 
nized in the dim light that fell from the distant stars the pallid 
countenance of a member of the church I attend — Mr. Johnson. 

Wyndye. The third witness for the prosecution ? 

Mrs. J. Exactly. He had a burlap bag over one shoulder. 
There was something in it that wiggled and squawked once. 
After he went past I listened for a while longer to the girls 
singing, and then called them, and we went home. 

Wyndye. What singing do you refer to ? 

Mrs. J. Why, the girls were serenading Hazzie. Didn't I 
tell you ? 

Wyndye. Can you give us an idea of their singing ? 



20 THE GREAT CHICKEN CASE 

Mrs. J. Certainly. Here's one song. "Lizzie Listen wrote 
the words to it. • 

(Mrs. J. sings the following , to the music of '^ Silver Threads 
Among the Goldy^^ sent, post-paid, on receipt of 2^ cents.) 

SONG 

Hazzie, we are growing old ; 
Silver threads among the gold 
Shine above our marble brows, 
Guiltless yet of marriage vows. 
But, dear bachelor, you'll be, you'll be 
Always fair to such as we — 
Yes, you'll always, always be 
Fair to maidens such as we. 

CHORUS 

For my dear, like you we're growing old ; 
Silver threads among the gold 
Bid us hustle while we may, 
Ere our last chance fades away. 

Opportunities are few, 

So at last we turn to you ; 

Were this Leap Year, we would say, 

Marry some one, please, to-day. 

Sweeter life would be with thee, with thee, 

Than ice-cream could ever be ; 

Oh, relieve our agony — 

Which shall be the lucky she ? 

Judge. I think you've had the witness long enough, Brother 
Wyndye. Any questions from the opposition ? 

SoAKEM. Yes, your Honor. Did you see any other man 
besides Mr. Johnson in the vicinity of the Smith hen-house on 
the evening in question ? 

Mrs. J. Why, yes. Mr. Henry Henpeck was there too. 
He was right with Mr. Johnson. They were walking together. 
Each had a burlap bag. 

SoAKEM. That is all, your Honor. 

Judge. And quite enough. Call the next witness for the 
defense. 



THE GREAT CHICKEN CASE 21 

Wyndye. Mr. Sweeney. (Mr. I. B. Sweeney takes ilie 
stand.) Your name, sir? 

Sweeney. I. B. Sweeney. 

Wyndye. Yes, I know you are Sweeney. But what is 
your full name ? 

Sweeney. I. B. Sweeney, I tell you ; /. B. Sweeney. 
' Wyndye. Yes, yes. We know you are. But is Sweeney 
all the name you have ? 

Sweeney. Oh, you want my front monacker, do you? 
Irving Booth Sweeney. 
• Wyndye. Your occupation, Mr, Sweeney ? 

Sweeney. I used to be with Richard Mansfield in Shakes- 
pearian productions in New York. He played Hamlet, and I 
played the bass viol. 1 have also appeared in the company of 
Sir Berbohm Tree. It was thusly 

Judge. We want your present occupation, sir; not your 
autobiography. 

Sweeney. Oh. I'm married now. 

Wyndye. Is that all you do ? 

Sweeney. All I do? Guess you don't know my wife. 

Wyndye. Do you know the defendant in this case ? 

Sweeney. Sure. He's a friend of mine. 

SoAKEM. Your Honor, out of an innate sense of justice, 
even at the risk of hurting my own case, I protest against this 
wanton attack on the prisoner's reputation. 

Sweeney. You misunderstood me. I didn't say he was a 
friend oi y()iirs. 

Wyndye. Did you see the defendant on the afternoon of 
January 27th ? 

Sweeney. I did. I was getting on a car for Danvers when 
I saw the defendant sitting in a rear seat talking most earnestly 
v/ith George Alphabet Johnson. Jolmson's coat was covered 
with feathers. Johnson had a big burlap bag with him, and 
pretty soon I saw Mr. Henpeck take out a dollar bill and give 
it to Johnson, who handed over the bag in exchange for the 
money. 

Wyndye. Do you know this Johnson's reputation ? 

Sweeney. He hasn't any. 

Wyndye. That is all, your Honor. 

Soakem {at a nod from Judge). Now, Mr. Ivory Bone- 
head Sweeney 

Sweeney. Don't insult me, sir. 

Soakem. Impossible, sir. It couldn't be done. Now, 



22 THE GREAT CHICKEN CASE 

Sweeney, what were you, a married man, doing on a car bound 
for the Danvers Bachelor Maids' Tango Tea ? 

Sweeney. I won't tell you. My wife's in the audience. 

SoAKEM. I submit that the witness is in contempt of court, 
your Honor. He should be forced to answer. 

Wyndye. Your Honor, this is unconstitutional. I submit 
that no one can legally be forced to incriminate himself. 

Judge. Will the Clerk of Court please read the law con- 
cerning contempt of court ? 

Clerk. ' * Laws of the state of Matrimony. Section 4- 1 1 -44. 
Whosoever shall in any court wherein a case of equity, law, or 
Welch's Grape Juice is being tried, show contempt of said 
court, law, or grape juice, or shall refuse to answer any ques- 
tion concerning the case under trial, shall be held guilty of an 
infraction of the law known as the Poor Foods and Druggists' 
Actions, and shall be punished by a fine not exceeding a one- 
cent stamp, or by a five days' imprisonment in the Ananias 
Club." 

Judge. The prisoner — I should say the witness — is clearly 
guilty of something or other, either under this act or some 
other that I've forgotten. I therefore fine him a one-cent 
stamp. He is excused from further testimony. He's been 
shown up enough as it is. Are there any more witnesses to 
be introduced? {Both lawyers shake their heads.) Thank 
heaven. Mr. Wyndye will close for the defense. 

Wyndye. Your Honor, I'm glad there isn't any time limit 
on arguments, for as you see, I have literally a lo7ig speech. 
(JJnrolls a long mafiuscripi made by pastifig together stnall 
sheets of paper. On this his speech is written.') Your Dis- 
honor, Gentle and Ladies* men of the Jury. This is a hard 
case. I do not refer, your Honor, to the prisoner at the bar. 
Far from it. But Ladies and non-ladies of the Jury, despite 
the fact that I have spent long years courting in this grand old 
state of Matrimony, I do not remember ever having seen a case 
which was so flagrant an example of injustice, persecution, and 
airy persiflage. 

Let us review briefly the status of the case. The charge is 
brought by the Ladies' Aid Society. Women are always start- 
ing charge accounts. It is a habit, a mere habit, with them. 
It should not be taken seriously. And whom do these women 
accuse? Another woman? For once, no. They bring this 
horrible accusation against a mere man. The motive of envy 
and spite behind this persecution is obvious. I am unable to 



THE GREAT CHICKEN CASE 23 

comprehend how any patriotic man, like my friend the learned 
counsel for the prosecution, can lend his eloquence and his 
eminent ability to such a dastardly conspiracy, such a slap in 
the face of the masculine sex. 

And what is the case which has been built up against my 
persecuted and oppressed client ? None, your Honor, abso- 
lutely none. What evidence has been adduced to connect him 
in the remotest way with this /(?Z£// outrage, this desecration of 
the rooster's family circle? None, your Honor, absolutely 
none. 

Who are the witnesses for the complainant ? With one ex- 
ception, \yomen ; members of the prosecuting party; preju- 
diced and partial witnesses, whose testimony may well be 
relegated to innocuous and oblivious desuetude. The one 
exception, the one male who has sunk his pride of sex to the 
ignoble task of testifying for the prosecution, has done so, I 
submit, from the sole motive of concealing his own guilt. At 
him, then, who we have seen by the testimony of unimpeach- 
able and peachy witnesses, placed in close proximity to the 
henyard of A. Suiith on the fatal evening of January 26th; at 
him, and not at the defendant in this case, 1 point the fore- 
finger of righteous indignation and say, '' You're It ! " 

1 would point out to you, gentlemen and gentle ladies of the 
jury, another remarkable feature of this most remarkable case. 
The indictment charges the theft of a chicken. Was Daisy 
White a chicken ? She was not. She was a disreputable old 
rip of a rooster, with a disposition like Hamlet, a complexion 
like Othello, and a reputation as ragged as a tramp's Sunday 
trousers. Even if you were to find my client guilty of eloping 
with Daisy, you could never find him guilty of thereby stealing 
a chicken. Daisy was anything but a spring chicken, gentle- 
men. 

But my client was not guilty. Gaze upon him. Note the 
pallor of shame that overspreads his open work countenance at 
the mere thought of being charged with so horrible an offense. 
Where else can you find a countenance more expressive of a 
clear conscience and a good digestion ? Where else, I demand 
of you, in all this broad domain over which the American dol- 
lar flaunts his bill, and, shaking his dewy pinions abroad, crows 
exultant welcome to the unblushing dawn — where else, from 
the far north where the polar bear shakes the pole with the vi- 
brations of his frigid roar, to the far south where the equatorial 
python dislocates the equator with the writhings of his squirmy 



24 THE GREAT CHICKEN CASE 

tail — where else, from the far east where the colonial apple tree 
burgeons forth at the autumnal equinox with a profusion of 
purple and azure blossoms, to the equally far west v/here the 
citrus bearing fruit trees hand a lemon to every careless pass- 
er-by — where else, I repeat, will you find a countenance like my 
client's, at once so full of innocence, interest, intelligence, and 
ice-cream ? 

He is not guilty ! Let the eagle scream it to the mountains ; 
let the rooster proclaim it to the barnyard ; let the chicken 
warble it to the can of Campbell's Soup on the pantry shelf. 
He is not guilty ! Therefore, gentle ladies and men of the 
jury, I entreat you to return him unscathed to the bosom of his 
bereaved widow and sixteen children, and to remove forever 
this stigma from the fair name of Henry Henpeck. 

Judge. We will now listen to the closing argument for the 
prosecution. 

SoAKEM. I have not the eloquence of my friend the learned 
counsel for the defense. I am glad of it. That's one disease 
I never had. 

The eloquent counsel for the defense has sought in his ad- 
dress to give a black eye to the motives of the complainants in 
this case. The eloquent counsel for the defense has sought to 
throw mud on the clean shirt-waist of American womanhood. 
I protest against this cowardly attack. 

Woman ! The purest, sweetest, best of all the creations of 
Art! Where would men be without women, your Honor? I 
don't know. In peace, perhaps. Woman ! She is the nurse 
of our infancy, the mother-in-law of our maturity, the landlady 
of our dotage. She is supreme among diplomats and unrivaled 
among grafters. All countries conspire to make her beautiful, 
and once in a while the conspiracy is a success. Her garments 
are woven of silks from China and India ; her jewels come from 
the Kimberly diamond mines and the Springfield Glass Works ; 
her hair comes from the five and ten cent store, and her com- 
plexion from the corner druggist's. As the poet says: 

** Oh, woman, in thy hours of ease. 
Uncertain, coy, and hard to please ; 
Yet seen too oft, familiar with thy face. 
We first endure, then pity, then embrace." 

What is man, that he dares to insult and fiout a being thus 
fearfully and wonderfully made up ? Your Honor, I label the 
man who has thus dared as more brave than wise. 



THE GREAT CHICKEN CASE 25 

Your Honor, this case is very simple and clear. We have 
shown that the prisoner had a motive for his crime : a desire to 
get a free pass to heaven by bribing the minister with fried 
chicken. We have shown that he had the opportunity. Even 
one of the witnesses for the defense helped us to locate the 
guilty wretch in the vicinity of the fatal hen-coop. 

Your Honor, the crime that has been committed is one of 
unparalleled atrocity. A crime against a chicken is a crime 
against all that is tender and true and beautiful. Allow me to 
quote the beautiful words of Oliver Wendell Homer in his ode 
to the chicken, entitled, ''Old Ironsides" : 

*' Yes, take your ham and eggs away; 
Squash pies my stomach sicken ; 
But let my menu every day 
Contain one little chicken." 

Ah, friends, I weep when I think what a heinous, nay what a 
hen-house crime it was to snatch this pretty young broiler from 
the bosom of her family. 

Picture the performance of the atrocious deed. As the moon 
is enveloped in heavy clouds the criminal who sits there 
trembling at the bar of injustice — aye, look well upon the 
cringing wretch — this hardened criminal creeps along stealthily 
toward the happy home which he hopes so soon to turn into a 
scene of woe and distress. See him as he sticks his hand in at 
the door of that humble dwelling ! See how he seizes upon his 
unsuspecting victim and bears her away ! She would fain 
shriek ; she would fain squawk her remonstrance; but his mer- 
ciless hand clutches in a throttling grasp her beautiful rubber 
neck. 

Such is the crime, ladies and gents of the jury, that by un- 
impeachable and peachy witnesses we have fastened upon the 
prisoner. I am not of a vindictive nature, your Honor, but I 
feel that this wretch should be punished to the fullest extent of 
the law. The blood of Daisy White, that fair young life 
brought to so untimely an end, cries out for revenge. Your 
duty is clear. If you bring in a verdict of guilty, there will 
rise from the henyards of the world the clarion call, '* Well 
done." 

Judge. So much has been said by the worthy and wordy 
lawyers in this case that there is little left for me to say. Just 
this. If you think that the prisoner deserves punishment, 
whether he did it or not, bring in a verdict of guilty, and I'll 



26 THE GREAT CHICKEN CASE 

do the rest. That's the way it's done in all the courts now. 
The clerk will read the law bearing on the case. . 

Clerk. Whosoever shall, wheresoever or whensoever, with 
felonious intent, malice aforethought, or a can opener, steal, 
take, obtain, seize, abscond with, elope with, or otherwise lure 
away any chicken, squab, broiler, or other undomestic fowl, 
shall upon complaint of the party bereft of said undomeslic 
hen, rooster, fowl, or other bird, and upon illegal proof of his 
having committed the alleged crime or some other, be sentenced 
to a term of five days' hard labor shoveling snow on the Pump- 
kin Corners Horse Car Railway in the good old winter time. 

Judge. The Jury will retire to the jury room to decide 
upon a verdict. Meanwhile the Court will be entertained by a 
solo upon the vocal organs by Miss Sally Simpkins of Miller's 
Mills. (Song : ^'Everybody Loves a Chicke?i,^^ or any other 
popular and appropriate song. The Jury reenters.^ Have 
you agreed upon a verdict ? 

James. Sure. 

Judge. The prisoner will stand and hear the verdict of tlie 
Jury. Is the prisoner guilty or not guilty ? 

James. Guilty. 

Jurors. No. He's not guilty. The foreman's a grafter. 

Judge. Well, it doesn't make any difference anyway. I 
say he's guilty, and in this court what I say goes. Prisoner at 
the bar, have you anything to say why sentence should not be 
pronounced upon you? 

Henpeck. Yes, sir, I have. I 

Judge. Keep it to yourself, then. You're sentenced hereby 
to eat at one sitting ten of Ma Hopkins's squash pies. And 
may the Lord have mercy on your soul. Court's adjourned. 



CURTAIN 



New Plays 



THE COLONEL'S MAID 

A Comedy in Three Acts 

By C. Leona Dalrymple 

Author of**The Time of His Life;' '*The Land of Night;* etc. 

Six males, three females. Costumes, modern ; scenery, two interiors. 
Plays a full evening. An exceptionally bright and amusing comedy, full 
of action ; all the parts good. Capital Chinese low comedy part; two 
first-class old men. This is a very exceptional piece and can be strongly 
recommended. Price, 2^ cents 

CHARACTERS 

Colonel Robert Rudd, a widower of 1 

North Carolina j _, ,, . ... 

Colonel Richard Byrd, « widower^ ^nortally antagonistic, 

of South Carolina J 

Bob Rudd l ^^^ ^^ antagonistic as their respective fathers. 

Mrs. J. John Carroll, a widow, and Colonel Rudd' s sister' 

in-law. 
Julia Carroll, her daughter. 

Ned Graydon, a young gentleman of exceedingly faulty memory. 
Mr. James Baskom, Colonel Rudd s lawyer. 
Ching-ah-ling, the Chinese cook, a bit impertinent hut byfarihi 
most important individual in the cast. 
SYNOPSIS 
Act I. — Early morning in the kitchen of the Rudd bachelor 
establishment. 

Act II. — The Rudd library, five days later. 
Act III. — The same. Evening of the same day. 

BREAKING THE ENGAGEMENT 

A Farce in One Act 

By W. C. Parker 

Two males, one female. Costumes, modern ; scene, an interior. Playt 

twenty minutes. A quick playing little piece suitable for vaudeville use. 

Very bright and snappy and strongly recommended. 

Price, 75 cents 

a paper match 

A Farce in One Act 
By E. W. Burt, M. D. 

Two males, two females. Costumes, modern ; scene, an interior. Plays 
thiity-five minutes. Four rustic characters, all good. The heroine ad- 
vpitises for a husband and gets her aunt's old beau to their mutual horror. 
Very funny, easy and effective. Price, ij cents 



New Plays 



A PAIR OF CRACKER-JACKS 

A Farce-Comedy in Three Acts 

By Scott Byrnes 
Foisr males, four females. Costumes modern ; scenery, one interior. 
Plays two hours and a half. An unusually lively and amusing farce for a 
very small cast, easy to produce and effective in performance. All the 
parts are good and the laughs equally distributed. Produced profession 
ally in 1904 ; professional acting rights reserved. Royalty of ten dollars 
(^10.00) for amateur performance required by the author. 
Frice^ 2^ cents 

CHARACTERS 
IhCViCKKCYi^^, a hard cracker, Mrs. Jack Cracker, Jack\ 
Jack Cracker, 2D, a fire- wife. 

cracker. Estelle Clayton, Jack scTy, 

Junius Brutus Bang, in the fiancee. 

** prqfesh.'' Flo. Atkins, Jack's niece. 

Coffee, a colored brother. Katrina Von Hoot, Flo\ 

double. 
SYNOPSIS 
Act I.— Afternoon. Exhortations. 
Act II.— The same afternoon. Complications. 
Act III. — The same evening. Congratulations. 

THE LITTLE CO-ED 

A Vaudeville Sketch in One Act 

By Hamilton Coleman and Harry Osborne 
One male, who plays three parts, and one female. Costumes inio4ern \ 
scenery an easy interior. Plays twenty-five minutes. A bright and lively 
little sketch originally produced in vaudeville by Yuill and Jboya. A 
strong piece for a lady, full of points and action. Can be strongly reeoia* 
mended. 

Pricey i^ cents 

THE SAME MAN 

A Comedy Sketch in One Act 
By Lida L. Coghlan 
Two female characters. Costumes modern ; scenery unimportant. Plays 
twenty minutes. A very clever and effective sketch for two young girls. 
Can be done entirely without stage or scenery or other preparation than 
mere memorizing and rehearsal. Played rapidly it is a sure success. ^ 
good bit for an exhibition programme. 

Friccy x^ cents 



New Plays 



THE REBELLION OF MRS. BARCLAY 

A Comedy of Domestic Life 
In Two Acts 

By May E. Countryman 

Three male, six female characters. Costumes modern ; scenery, easy 
interiors. Plays one hour and three quarters. A clever and amusing 
comedy with a very popular cast; all the parts evenly good. There are 
many Mr. Barclays making their homes more or less uncomfortable all 
over this country, and Mrs, Barclay's method of curing her particular one 
will be sympathetically received. Good Irish comedy parts, male and fe- 
male. Strongly recommended. 

Price, 25 cents 

CHARACTERS 

Morton Barclay. Mrs. Brown, Mortons sister, 

Roger Stuart, a neighbor. Cora, her daughter. 

Dennis O'Hara. Elsie Stuart, /?^_^<?/ 5 5Z5/^r. 

Ethel Barclay, Morton s wife, Mary Ann O'Connor. 
Ruth Carter, Ethel's sister. 

PA'S NEW HOUSEKEEPER 

A Farce in One Act 

By Charles S. Bird 
Three male, two female characters. Modern costumes ; scenery, a 
simple interior or none at all. Plays forty minutes. A roaring farce of 
the " Charley's Aunt " order, admirably suited for high-school perform- 
ance. Jack Brown, visiting his chum, is tempted by his success in college 
theatricals to make up in the character of the new housekeeper, an at- 
tractive widow, who is e«pected but does not arrive. He takes in every- 
body and mixes things up generally. All the parts are first rate and the 
piece full of laughs and action. Strongly recommended. 
Price, I J cents 

A PRODIGAL SON 

A Comedy in One Act 

By Raymond M. Robinson. 

Two male, three female characters. Costumes modern ; scenery, an 
easy interior. Plays half an hour. A very original and amusing bit of 
fooling, easy to do and sure to please. The leading character is a tramp 
and full of opportunity. Well recommended. 
Price, 15 cents 



New Plays 



HOW JIM MADE GOOD 

A Comedy-Drama in Four Acts • 

By Charles S. Bird 
Seven males, three females ; two male parts can be doubled. Costumes, 
modern; scenery, three interiors. Plays two hours. An unusually sym- 
pathetic play, well suited to amateurs. Clean and easy to get up. Recom- 
mended to high schools. All the parts are good. 
Price, 25 cents 

CHARACTERS 

{As originailY produced December g, Jgio, in the Opera House ^ 
Natrona, Pa., for the benefit of the Ladies Industrial So'. 
ciety of the Natrona Presbyterian Church.) 

Eben Lovejoy, of Hillside farm . . . . C. S. Bird. 

]iM. ]0'i^^s, a farm hand; good as gold . . Edward Lemon. 

Walter Wayne, the new schoolmaster . . . Roy Cook. 

Steve Hammond, a ne er-do-well ; Eben s nephew . Edward Dean. 

Si Staples, lajidlord of the Hillside Hotel . . Jacob Carr. 

J ABEZ Elder, a member of the schoolboard ) ^^^^^^^ ^^^^.^^ 

K^^hMV, who makes good . . . ) 

Mrs. Lovejoy, Eben s wife, who believes in Jim . Agnes Bird 

Lucy Lovejoy, her daughter, whom you cant help 

loving ....... Mabel Sneb old 

Cora Harlow, the Lovejoys "help'' ; a born tease. Mary Larson 

SYNOPSIS 
Act L— Sitting-room at Hillside Farm. 
Act n. — The Lovejoys' Kitchen. 
Act HL— Office of the Hillside Hotel. 
Act IV. — Same as Act L 

ALL ABOUT ADAM 

A Comedy in Two Acts 

By Alice C. Thompson 

One male, five females. Costumes, modern ; scenery, two interiors. 

Plays one hour. A very easy and effective play of that much wanted 

class that calls for more women than men. Just a sweet, clean little play 

Suited to any one that wants something nice and wholesome. 

Price, 7j cerits 

AN ALARM OF FIRE 

A Farce in One Act 

By H. S. Griffith 

Three males, five females. Costumes, modern ; scenery, one interior. 

Plays thirty minutes. A capital little piece narrating the incidents of an 

inteiTupted proposal. All parts good ; one very effective stuttering char* 

acter. Clean, bright and amusing. Can be recommended for schools. 

Price^ IS cents 



New Plays 



THE COLLEGE CHAP 

A Comedy-Drama in Three Acts 
By Harry L. Newton and John Pierre Roche 

^^^^^ ""^Z"'' 'T""/^?"?^"'- C°^t"mes, modern; scenery, two inte- 
nors Plays two and a half hours. An admirable play for amateurs. Ab- 
solutely American in spirit and up-to-date; full of sympathetic interest 
but plenty of comedy ; lots of healthy sentiment, but nothing " mushy." 
Just the thing for high schools ; sane, effective, and not difficult. 
Pfice, 2^ cents 
CHARACTERS 
Elijah Gooding, a village product. 
Seth Wm^sjust as tired. 
Art Wimpel, chief clerk. Occidental Hotel. 
Samuel Crane, proprietor of the Occidental Hotel 
^akkCi^ay, promoter of yay I. C. Trolley Line. 
Bart Y.a.i:o^, factotum of the '^ Clarion." 
John Drew Irving, advance agent and drummer. 
WILL Sellum, a traveling salesman. 
Bill, a bell-boy. 
George, another. 
Dave Crane, the college chap. 
Sallie Crane, in love with Art, 
Mrs. Jane Crane, the mother. 
Madge Clay, the girl. 
Gertie Flye, the news stand girl. 
Mrs. Mortimer Jones-Brown, a progressive woman, 
Mrs. Heziah Jenks, of the Chester Culture Club 
MISS Margaret Seymour, secretary of Chester Culture Club. 

A T ^r. SYNOPSIS 

Act I.— Ofifice of the Occidental Hotel. 

aS ViT^i^^^ ""^r \^ Chester Clarion, six months later. 

ACT Ill.-Office of the Occidental Hotel, eight months later. 

A TELEGRAM FROM DAD 

A Farce in One Act 

By y. M. Taylor 

Six males, one female ;i:the latter can be played by a man. Costumes 

modern; scene, an interior. Plays thirty minutes. A college fa^ce.Tery 

fwift and snappy. Recommended. Price, 15 cents. 

SPECIAL DELIVERY 

A Farce in One Act 

By D. M. Henderson 
Three males two females. Costumes modern; scenery, one interior 



New Plays 



RED ACRE FARM 

A Rural Comedy Drama in Three Acts 

By Gordan V, May 

Author of "Bar Haven," "At Random Run," etc. 

Seven males, five females. Costumes, modern ; scenery, one interior^ 

one exterior. Plays two hours. An easy and entertaining play with a 

well-balanced cast of characters. The story is strong and sympathetic and 

the comedy element varied and amusing. Barnaby Strutt is a great part 

for a good comedian ; " Junior " a close second. Strongly recommended. 

P7'ice, 2 J cents 

CHARACTERS 

JosiAH Armstrong, the owner of Red Acre ^^^'If- 

Colonel Barnaby Strutt, '•Crawlittg Codwollopers. 

Jonah Jones, a farm helper. 

Squire Harcourt, who holds a mortgage, 

Harry Harcourt, his profligate son, 

Dick Randall, who seeks his fortune. 

Tom Busby, a iraveliftg tnerc/uml. 

Amanda Armstrong, Josiah's wife. 

Nellie Armstrong, driven from home. 

Laura Armstrong, a poor, weak sinner. 

Mrs. Barnaby Strutt, the ColoneV s wife. 

•• Junior," adopted daughter of the Si^utts. 
SYNOPSIS 
Act I.— Living-room of Armstrong's home. Spring, 
Act IL— Garden in front of Armstrong's home. Summef, 
Act HL— Same as Act L Winter. 

THE SPEED LIMIT 

A Sketch in Two Scenes 
By Erjiest M. Gouid 
Five males. Costumes, modern ; scenery, unnecessary. Plays twenty 
minutes. A good-natured and effective skit on automobiling, very funny 
and very easy to get up. It requires no scenery or stage, but can be done 
on a platform just as well. Its fun is extravagant, but it is otherwise 
suited for school performance. Price, is cents 

*' WILLIAM'* 

A Farce in One Act 

By W. C. Parker 

Two males, two females. Costumes, modern; scene, an interior. 

Plays twenty minutes. A brisk little piece of the vaudeville older, easy 

and full of laughs. All three parts are good ; strongly recommended 

Pricg IS cents 



B. li). Pinero's Plays 

Prlc«, 50 eenfs eaeb 



MID-CHANNEL S'^J '" ^°'"' 4°'^- ^'^ ■"•'«'' ^"^ 'eniale«. 
?fay"tVoanda"Sf ho^r™"' "°''"''' -»"., three interior,, 

THE NOTORIOUS MRS. EBBSMITH R^r'i?Xl 

males, five females. Costumes, modern: scenery, all interiors 
Plays a full evening. j> . 

THE PROFLIGATF ?^^y.'° Four Acts. Seven males! five 
, K f *^^\*-*^^*f' females. Scenery, three interiors, rather 
elaborate; costumes, modern. Plays a full evening. 

THE SCHOOLMLSTRFSS Farce in Three Acts. Nine males, 
lilt k^V.nyyL.imOII\£.00 seven females. Costumes, mod- 
ern; scenery, three interiors. Plays a full evening. 

THE SECOND MRS. TANQUERAY g|L'°IZ,^rv'e 

females. Costumes, modern; scenery, three interiors. Plavs a 
full evening. «*jo <* 

SWEET LAVENDER Comedyin Three Acts. Seven males, 
kyTTL.i:.l L.AVCilLF£.a four females. Scene, a single interior 
costumes, modern. Plays a full evening. 

THE THUNDFRROI T comedy in Four Acts. Ten males, 
inii inU11LyiLI\OUL.l nine females. Scenery, three interi- 
ors; costumes, modern. Plays a full evening. 

THF TIMF^ Comedy in Four Acts. Six males, seven females. 
VTf *V "^ Scene, a single interior ; costumes, modern. Plays 
a full evening. •' 

THF WFAFCFR ^FY comedy in Three Acts. Eight males, 
inE. ff E./\A.E.IV OE.A eight females. Costumes, modern 
scenery, two interiors. Plays a full evening. 

A WIFE WITHOUT A SMILE ^^^^.i^^^'^J^ 

Costumes, modern ; scene, a single interior. Plays a full evening. 



Sent prepaid on receipt of price by 

Walttv f|. Pafeer & Companp 

No. 5 Hamilton Place, Boston , Massachusetts 



..LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 

■iiilillfllfl 

016 102 514 8 



C|)e IB^ilUam l^arren (Ctittion 

l^rice, 15 Cent!* flBatl) 



A^ Vnn I IKT IT C^on^^^T ^ ^^^ Acts. Thirteen males, four 
AD IvU Ml^L II females. Costumes, picturesque ; scenery, va- 
ried. PlajB a full evening. 

CAMfl f F Drama In Five Acts. Nine males, five females. Oos- 
AiSMU^Ltli tumes, modern ; scenery, varied. Plays a full evening. 

INfinHAD "^^7 ^^ Yiye Acts. Thirteen males, three females. 
UiUVOlAA Scenery varied ; costumes, Greek. Plays a full evening. 



MABY ^TTIABT Tragedy in Five Acts. Thirteen males, four fe- 
01AI\1 iJlUAllI males, and supernumeraries. Costumes, of the 
period ; scenery, varied and elaborate. Plays a full evening. 

THE MERCHANT OF VENICE STet^L'^erf^ml?^.': fZr.l^?. 

picturesque ; scenery varied. Plays a full evening. 

DICHFT IFII ^^*y ^° ^^^® Acts. Fifteen males, two females. Scen- 
l\IVULiML(v ery elaborate; costumes of the period. Plays a full 
•rening. 

THF ttlVAI S Comedy in Five Acts. Nine males, five females. 
1 ULi III T AlvO Scenery varied ; costumes of the period. Plays a 
fnll evening. 

SHE STOOPS TO CONQUER il7:XS ,l^i,£'%oJ:!X. 

rled ; costumes of the period. Plays a full evening. 

TWELFTH NlfiHT; OR, WHAT YOU WILL i°rVJ»„.r^*, 

three females. Costumes, picturesque ; scenery, varied. Plays a 
fall evening. / , 



Sent prepaid on receipt of price by 

Salter 1^^ iBafeer & Company 

Ho. 5 Hamilton Place, Boston, Massachusetts 



<fS-L 



LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 




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